December 9, 2003
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ok well normally i dont write this kinda shit on xanga for the world to see, but this time it's different. I just need everyone to understand about how i REALLY feel. So anyway for the past few weeks or so i've been feeling depressed, i don't know why really. i havent gone to school for the past 3 or more weeks and instead ive been staying at home.. it's weird, when i'm at home i cry about nothing.. and every little thing can make me emmotional. I feel ugly, stupid, and pathetic all the time. it sounds stupid but i'm scared about going to school.. i dont wanna be known as the loser that doesnt show up to class or the guy who's failing his grade. My counselor has called my mom and dad and my mom is pissed and says my dad could kick us out. i was supposed to go today and yesterday, i even woke up on time.. but i just didnt want to.. like REALLY didnt want to. it sounds so stereotypical but it's true, i feel empty inside. i don't feel like doing anything .. like talking to people, going out, making friends, etc etc.. its really wrong and i feel so bad about it, it's just something that i can't do right now.. it's hard for me to express my emotions and its hard for me to show people that im weak. i've been contemplating seeing my doctor for the past 2 weeks and i was even gonna schedule an appointment.. but when it all comes down to it, im just scared to talk about it with her. i mean i wanna get help, i know its not normal for me to feel this way.. things that would make me happy at times like this, they dont work anymore.. i feel like i lost alot of myself and im ready to become normal again!!! im sorry if i acted like an ass to anyone, and thanks for reading..
Comments (37)
*HUG* Remember... there is always someone, family, friends, or even complete strangers, out there who care about you and want to listen.
*sigh*... i under-under what u mean.
... and i say this only because i feel similar to the way that ur feelin' right now. lol..i think im getting my shieT together a bit more...but, im still weird. hahaha. which explains why im at home right now. errrm, yeah. like, im doing my work...but still..ya know? lol. i wish you luck. and see you laters.
oh shut up!!! your sexy and hot..now come to school!!! we've missed you!
LOL... THAT FIRST COMMENT IS RIGHT... if it makes u feel better... i mentioned you in one of my entreis awhile ago... hope that doesnt sound psychotic... LMFAO... and i dont even know you... i know that ure frenz of nick and ryan... thats how i heard about you... but ive also seen you at ala moana and at my work (starbucks ward village) im the ugly hispanic hawaiian asian spikey haired looking creature... lol.. anyways... i so know the feeling and yeh... just thought i'd drop you a line and let you know that in the end, everything is gonna be alright... take it easy...
{addicted}
amen..i know we haven't talked or seen each other in awhile, but gimme a holler if ya ever need to!
dude. youre so not ugly. youre hot shit. Don't feel down. *hugs*
Awe Bud, don't stress out too much. When you're young the world seems against you, it's only a small amount of time. Go to school, don't worry about what other people think, they don't know a thing.
You look so sexy in your pic. i just read your xanga i kinda know what you are going thru and if you ever feel alone or just wanna chat about anything please call. i hpe that you feel better soon.hugs and kisses....
So Drop Out!!!
The structure and rigidity of formal educational institutions are not for everyone. Plenty of extremely successful people never finished high school. You can always get your GED (Good Enough Degree). My sister got kicked out of school her senior year, and now she's a straight A student Majoring in Psychology at the University of Michigan. And the brother of mine that you've met (ID2K2) dropped out and is persuing what is important to him (i.e. Music).
As for worrying what people think about you... Your kidding us right? There's a saying, "Life is 99% what you make of it. If your life sucks you suck." I know you Bud, and I don't think you suck. Your probably just getting cold feet, as you are approaching the threshhold of this crazy adult world the rest of us live in, and your not really sure what you want to do with your life, or how you are going to go about it. Everyone's gone through it sometime in their life, I guess it's just your time now.
Of course, if thoughts of Suicide creep into your brainpan.... Put it out of your mind... It's not worth it (unless you really don't care about anyone but yourself). Then by all means, off yourself... cause it won't bother you all the people that will weep at your passing. As for me, I'd miss you.
To emphasize my point... School's not for everyone.
Hey Myke, I'm doing pretty good. I am out of school for the rest of this year and I am going to Mott next year. I really believe it will be a lot better for me. I understood your concern when you were up here bro, it just kinda hurt to see you reacting to it in that kind of way. I knew what I was doing. Every time I'd have Mom come in to talk with the counselor or AZ/Martus she'd just tell them what they wanted to hear. We went in to talk to AZ the last time, me, Mom, and Tracy, and she didn't really confront my problem with him. She more just told him his own words back and got it out of the way. So that Thursday and Friday I cut some classes. I had to get them to do something about it. AZ called me into the office on Monday of the next week and asked me "didn't your Mom and I have a talk about your attendance?" I told him I don't like this school. I took matters in to my own hands because I knew this school wasn't working for me, and everyone else is too busy to help me do it. Anyways, enough about school. Ummmmm, I've been recording again. I finally got a program on my computer to record straight from my decks. I really appreciate the vinyl too Myke. Your support in my spinning means a lot to me, as does your concern for my edjucation and well being. I almost have a full cd of self produced tracks done. I was talking to a promoter in Colorado who throws underground parties and he might be able to get me down there for a gig. I've got a new girl friend, she's a lil raver chica. I think I really like her, but Nikki has clouded my vision in that area. Her name is Kat, she moved here from the Ukraine when she was 5. I'll send you some pictures of her and me from DEMF this weekend. I'm going out there with Kat and her friend/my friend Michelle and a bunch of other people this weekend. We are crashing in a hotel in Greektown. I went to this party called "Liquid" last weekend wit Kat and Michelle and saw Keoki and Skylab2000, pretty tight sets. I have been feeling really good lately. Things seem to be looking up for me again. I have been getting stuff done around the house, going out to parties, I got out of Goodrich finally, I found a girl I like. I am getting happy again after almost two and a half years of being miserable and depressed all the time. I guess it's all what you make of it. Anyways, I'm off to help Mom with some stuff so I'll check you out later. I love you lots bro, don't lose faith in me.
Tigger
hey ah i sort of know how you feel about the school stuff cause i had to repeat this year yea and sometimes i don't want to go school because i feel like that too. anyways i hope you feel better! talk to you later okay byeee.
you sure fooled me =(
hey bud. i know exactly how you feel..seriously. although i don't know you too well and never see you anymore, i thought maybe it would help a little bit to know other people go through this crap too. i was like this at the end of last year and i just quit going to school for like 2 months. i just didn't feel happy anymore and never wanted to do anything. i have no idea why, but it just got worse until i forced myself to go, only to pass, and saw how happy my friends were to see me. take care, and i hope you feel better soon.
<3 courtney
buddy, i had no idea u felt like that! well i used to get like that all the time and when u start getting those feelings of i should stay home from skool or i don't want to talk to anyone than that's the time u need to turn around and do the complete oppisite. it's okay to feel like this it's normal it's part of life but it's not good to just dwell in it u should do your best, as hard as it is to get out of it at all costs so u can go on enjoying life. anyways i'll try calling u sometime this week to check how your feeling. anyways hope u feel better, talk to u soon bye.
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<TD vAlign=top>Tim Pham: i left a comment on bud's saying "could've fooled me"
Aaron Hu: oh
Tim Pham: myke leaves a comment on mine saying i'm being mean to a friend in his time of need
Tim Pham: like whatever.
Tim Pham: i tried to help bud for the last three weeks
Aaron Hu: but u always there for bud
Tim Pham: bud refused to accept my help
Aaron Hu: yea
Tim Pham: i offered to help with his homework
Tim Pham: i offered to take him to school
Tim Pham: i asked him to not stay out late
Tim Pham: i was a mother to him pretty much.
Aaron Hu: yea
Tim Pham: so myke can just shove it.
Tim Pham: so you know, i was there WHILE bud was going through this, myke wasn't. i think he's the one being judgemental to both of us.
Aaron Hu: don't worry bout it tim
Tim Pham: i won't, xanga "comment communicating" only makes drama
Tim Pham: =)
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<TD>Posted 12/11/2003 at 11:51 AM by tbee
I know how you feel. I've been exactly where you are now. I've gone through a whole bunch of shit and im finally now finding my way. I stopped going to school last year for a long time. My best friend convinced me to talk to someone; a "professional". They put me on a crap load of meds and set me up for appointments to "talk" to someone. After about 4 or 5 months I felt a lot better. I didn't think I was as better as they thought I was and I decided to blow it off. I decided that the only person who can help me feel better is me. I never could have gotten through it without the help of my best friend! I'm so glad she was there to save me. This year im doing much better. I come to school almost everyday now and am doing the best I have ever done. Preparing for graduation this year and even college. I never thought I'd be like this. I hope you feel better soon too. Talk to your doctor. It can't hurt to try.
hey bud i hope u feel better boi get to school maybe ifu go more u will feel better i dunno rreally what to say but all i can say is go to school and pass or if u feel u cant then work on getting your g.e.d its still a diploma so i mean just go 4 what u feel is wright im here for u just call if u need something and i will see what i can do
bud sweetie whats wrong?
I have felt the same before. I skipped a few weeks of school. I just couldn't do anything. Then I realized that staying home wasn't making it better. I t was making it much worse. My grades were failing, and I lost confidence in myself. I realized that was why I was crying. In order for me to feel that I am good, and feel good about myself, I have to be with friends. I have to accomplish things. I felt that if I went back to school, my friends could pick me back up. They listen, they help. Tell friends what you are feeling. If you're really depressed, find something you love and embrace life with it.
-From a complete Stranger.
i just came upon this randomly. but i also been there and done that. and its hard to deal with. i learned it is alot easier to just cry and let things go. do whatever makes you feel better. i also learned that it is easier to tell things to a complete stranger than to someone who knows you inside and out. it would be typical of me to say dont worry things will get better. but just express how you feel. it takes a while. it took me awhile. i thought money was everything. i went out and brougt a bracelet and that made me happy for a second. but oh well.. what i can say is dont do things that will intentionly hurt you, but do something that is going to keep it off your mind.
hey u should ask you doctor about ani depresion pills they help my friend takes them cuz her dad died trust me u will see a big dif.*hugs*
I love you sweetie, I wish you good Holidays, Happy Newyears, and i hope that you can find what is best for you in this situation... Only you can decide that. Call me up.
Fare Thee Well,
Tasha
hey.. I just started using xanga, and I saw your Moonlight skin of Walk To Remember and I wanna use it! But the other ones I previewed said I could use it.. but yours doesn't say anything to save.. so could you email me or something or fix whatevers wrong with it cause it's SO cute!! thanks!
sorry to bug, but i'm a new member and i liked the skin that u made.. and i was wondering if i could use it... i mean how do i use it.. i totalu love it and since i am not creative and am lazy-like i wanna use it....please like comment me.. or like here's my e=mail address.... greasychickenfan@aol.com... sorry 4 bugging.... PLEASE let me know how to add ur backround to my site
hey its all G... man.. I felt like dat before.. gosh...right now the song on 98.5 is called WISH.. I like it..! its a kinda new song.. i hope u be ok.. its kinda hard to go through what yer going through.. i dont go through much all da time.. because.. i guess im naturally depressed yooh no? depressed always because yeah.. i broke up with my ex.. n becuz.. i cant think straight because.. my friends are barely there..n my sister never bothers to call.. n my dad n all that.. its all depressing to me.. i kinda understand u in a way.. you no?.. n if u feel like talking.. jez email me..at sweetpinai8o8@yahoo.com... i mean u dunno me..but i can try to be there...ya no?n maybe we can become frenz.. alrightie.. i guess ill be going now!...
Charmaine
I'm in love with your xanga skins. I can't put them on my site because I have a free account. It would be really cool if you would maybe email the codes. My email is heatherz0@hotmail.com. Mad props to your skins, they rock!
XO, Heather
When i read your post it kinda reminded me of myself a little while ago.... but i got out of it, with a little help from my family.. But whats most important is that you feel like wanting to get better.... thats what you need to feel like.. i felt the same way as youre feeling, but my mom and dad saw what as going on.. there are people out there who care about you! Go find them and tell them your story, they will understand.
Good luck.
hey i feel the same way and it dosnt have to ba a bad thing u can think of it as a positive thing mabie it might be hard at first but you can do it good luck
- lil_punker_13
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! luvluv...CheL CheL
Sounds a lot like depression, my friend. I wish you the best of luck with it. I just came across your diary and I likey muy much...
Last year, I was terrified to be alive. I live at my school and I was terrified about being outed; I was in an unhealthy relationship with a guy, and I was failing classes, and my parents were divorcing, and my friend count was zero. And I felt like all that was my fault. This summer I got on antidepressants, a huge blow to my pride, but now my life is getting a lot better. I refused to talk to a doctor for years. Just know that a) you have friends and b) you're cute
and c) plenty of people are here to talk to if you need. Good luck, merry christmas. ^__^
hey this is my new xanga sn.....hit this up instead up NewYorkChick..luvluv CheL CheL
sorry u dont know who i am but ive been depressed too and so have a lot of my friends jus feel better hope it gets better bye
Me = 100% EmPaThY
well school isnt all as it seems man school is mosty about who vool and not thats why i jusy plainy dont go so if you feel as everythings comming to a end, its all just starting :']
cant stop raving
sorry I don't know you but I just read your thing...It's cute umm..my site is htt:/www.Latvianangel.com If you wanna vist i might be using ur background...
okay I think it's time to write a new entry.
Life, in general, has it's ups and downs. It's the suckiest part of life. I don't know much about you, or how you feel towards Christianity, but my suggestion is, turn towards God. His specialty is taking people who feel like crap, and making them whole again. I mean, there are medicines and all kinds of things out there to draw people out a deppresion, but nothing works like believing. Try a fun, sprited youth group. I don't know if you've heard of K-Life, but most states have 2 or 3 of them, so there might be one in your area. I've been a member of K-Life for 4 years now, and it's the greatest thing in my life, and it doesn't make you feel like you belong to a coult. At least consider my recommendation.
-Taylor of Missouri, aka TayKay_08
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